Por ti seré gaviota

La echo tanto de menos. 

Echo de menos no necesitar un mapa. No tener que pedir direcciones, ni nombres de calles. Que el mar sea mi norte. 

Echo de menos el sol que dibuja sombras en calles estrechas. El olor a humedad y a madrugadas con resaca. Echo de menos no saber en qué ciudad estoy mientras paseo. Que cada esquina me sorprenda, aunque las conozca todas. 

Echo de menos el Tibidabo a un lado, y Montjuich al otro. El paraíso de las ciudades. Echo de menos saber qué hacer cada tarde. Tener en piloto automático mis pies cada vez que salgo a la calle. 

Echo de menos las personas a las que cuida y acoge. Su niebla matutina ahora que se acerca el otoño. Echo de menos que me alegre cada vez que estoy triste. 

Pelearme con aquellos que no la ven como es. Defenderla hasta el día que me muera. 

En esta ciudad he conocido a las personas más maravillosas, y también a las que me han decepcionado. Es el centro y culminación de mis historias, aunque yo crea que las historias se esconden en ciudades más lejanas. 

Nunca nada ni nadie me ha sorprendido tanto como ella. Me ha salvado tantas veces... 

Ana 'Uala'

Sometimes

It seems so simple. People do it all the time, they shake away their fears and face their lives. They do what they love, the stand up, and they go for it. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they don't. But who cares? Because they are moving. Moving. And movement is what keeps you alive.

There are days, when I am having breakfast, and I feel it. I feel it inside. I can, I can do it. I was born to do it. I was born ready. I'm a capable human being. I can do what I want, when and how I want to do it. And I have all this energy. It won't stop. I sometimes feel I'm going to explode with all this light that's coming out of me. 

But. But. Then reality and years of education knock out my bravery, and I feel all this energy floating away. Sometimes I can actually see it, when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I just see the light go out, and fear is written all over my face. I am paralyzed, and suddenly I can't do anything, I just stop. And by stopping, I die, just for a bit, just for a while. But our survival instinct is unavoidable, so I start to move, slowly, just enough to keep on breathing. Keep on surviving. But dead in the inside. 

And it's confusing, because I know the theory so well. I talk about it, I write about it, read about, I understand it, because I have felt, deep inside. But in the end, I'm a full time coward, and I'm unable to make the jump. And everything I believe in looks at me and just laughs, laughs, because I know it's true, but I'm just to afraid to stretch my hand and get it. 

So I was sitting the other day, planning to make a trip. Reading other people's advice, trying to figure out where to go and how to go there... And well. I had this feeling again. This fire that lights up and you just know you're capable of anything. 

This time, I'm not letting it go out. This time, as a great writer once said... I'm letting it burn me.

Ana 'Uala'